That Sinking Feeling

12 February 2013 § Leave a comment

Ugh.  Today is one of those days.  You know the ones, where you just want to crawl back into bed and say “screw you world, I’m gonna wallow”.

Now that I am more aware of my depression, the more I can feel it coming.  And boy has it been building.  There could be a number of factors;

Unknown-21) The harsh realization I’ve a crappy job and work with people I loathe.

2) No matter what I do, for the rest of my life I will have to live with the fact that I have forever wounded my Husband through my infidelity (1 physical and 2 emotional affairs).

3) My relationship with my mother is co-dependent and toxic.

4) Due to our recent move, and a few other things, I have absolutely no savings or IRA.  At 40 years old, that freaking frightening.

5) I’m sad that I may never be a mother or give birth to my own children.

6) I’m anxious/worried/scared that I will make choices that will affect my marriage, for the worse, and not be entirely aware of it.

7) Every day I mourn the loving, unblemished image of what my Husband used to have of me.

So shit, yeah, there’s a lot of really odious things bouncing around in my head.  And some days I really feel the weight of them.

What’s been happening the last day or so is, I’ve quasi reverted to an old habit of putting on a brave face.  Or as my mother would say “just suck it up.”  And while I try to not be like that with my Husband, I’m having a hard time because that coping mechanism is so deeply ingrained.  C’mon, the woman has been in my head for nearly 40 years.

Okay, not fair.  I don’t want this to be an “I’m screwed up cause of my mother” kinda thing.  I take full responsibility for all the stuff I let her do and get away with, during my adulthood.  I didn’t put my foot down, until it was almost too late.  And now, the relationship is severely strained.  We haven’t spoken in about 4 weeks.  Previously, she would call nearly 3-4 times a day.

So anyways, today I’ve been feeling the force of what feels like everything in the universe and have just wanted to sit huddled in the corner sobbing like a seven-year-old.

4259-23010I’m sure I’m not the only person on the planet going through severe depression.  But it sure does feel lonely.  At times, I want to let my Husband in.  But again I feel like I’m just laying all my shit at His feet saying, “Here honey, look at the mess I am now.”  So not pretty or attractive.

I understand I have to try to cope and get over that instinctual feeling of ‘masking’, cause seriously, it’s dishonest behavior.  And as my Husband so aptly said, “The last time you did that, (I) came close to ending our marriage.”  Pretty heavy stuff, no?

But of course, my amazing Husband being who he is also said, “Part of marriage is the not-so-good with the good.”

I know there are so many things I am thankful for and should be happy about.  Yet on days like these very little seems light or bright.  And I just feel so damned unworthy.

Sheesh, I don’t even know what the purpose of this post is.  I guess to just get it out and let my Husband know what bouncing around in my little mind.

All I can do is try to cling to the tiny shred of hope that tomorrow will be better.  And that this dark cloud will lift a bit.

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