‘They’ Always Blame The Mother

21 February 2013 § 3 Comments

Okay, so today was session #9 with Dr. L.  And as most movies jest, it was spent talking about my childhood and my relationship with my mother.  Under AnalysisSeveral times I tried to steer it back to what I wanted to talk about, ways to help my relationship with my Husband.

But Dr. L kept saying, “But what about how your mother treated you at age x?”  Or “What was your relationship like with your mother around age y?”

This was the first time I had kinda felt like saying, “Sheesh, what about what I want to talk about.  When do I get to control the conversation?”  And that there my friends is the first epiphany…well, hours later.

What do I want?  I didn’t say it.  I didn’t verbalize it.  I open my freaking mouth about everything under the sun.  For instance; The level customer service I receive.  I like this food or this product.  How come the trash is there?  Why are there dishes still in the sink?  Why am I so crazy???

But yet I have a hard time vocalizing what I want in terms of things that matter.  Like; What do I hope to get out of therapy?  What do I want for my marriage?  How can I be a better wife?  How can I be a better person?

So I sat there.  Recounted stories about how my brother chased me down the hallway of our childhood home with a sword.  And how as a little girl my favorite thing to do with my mom was get a dipped ice cream cone from Dairy Queen and go through the car wash.

There were also the other stories.  How when I was a toddler, she left me with my Great-Grandmother to travel parts of Europe.  How my mother would minimize my father, after they’ve had a fight, and say, “Don’t marry someone like him.”  My times I heard, “I didn’t raise you to be someone’s servant.  You should want more our of life.”

norman-rockwell-girl-at-the-mirrorThe funny thing is, most girls my age have heard that last phrase from their mother, repeatedly.

“You should want more out of life.”  But what all of those women didn’t say, which they should have, is specifically what more we should want.

I am a 40 year old woman.  Sure, I know how to be independent.  And yeah, I supported myself for a while there and had a high powered job.  But I am broken.  I don’t know how to properly show affection to or support my husband.  Btw, holding hands and sex doesn’t count; it’s nice, but not quite support.

In all of those years of wanting more, I should have been learning more.  Another self (Husband induced) epiphany; passive vs. active.

I have been trained to be a very good narcissistic, head strong and detached woman who good things happen to.  Passive.

Instead of a confident, spirited and kindhearted woman who seeks good things in her life.  Active.

shadow

I’m still trying to make my way and unlearn all of the negative behavior, which has made me so unhappy for the last 25+ years.  And be the person I am meant to be.  Hopefully I can beat some of the narcissism, the dissociative disorder and the severe depression.

Since I’m refusing to take anti-depressants, because of the ease of slipping into a dissociative frame of mind, the process is slow going.  For me, there is no magic pill/bullet.

Thankfully I have a loving Husband who understands, gets me to take my vitamins every day (the Ds & Bs help) and gets me moving/walking/out in the world.  Through working diligently to make good choices, I hope and pray that I don’t revert back to old, bad behavior – screwing things up for good.

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§ 3 Responses to ‘They’ Always Blame The Mother

  • hiddinsight says:

    You have no idea how amazing that epiphany was…but it has and will continue to kickstart what you REALLY want. I’m right in there with you like a dirty shirt on the floor of the laundry room. Asking myself the same questions. We’ll get there, my friend. And on the journey, I am so thankful to have posts like this to read. Real. Really frickin’ hilarious. And real. Oh, and I’ve totally wanted to use that picture somewhere in my blog about 10x already. I love it. Hope your vitamins make you smile today :) I know what you are talking about…sometimes the baby steps just don’t seem like enough. You want something drastic. You want to SEE change. But life just doesn’t work that way. Every small step in the right direction is a step in THE RIGHT direction. Stop being so hard on yourself. I pray for you to discover peace on your journey (hint, hint…that’s what I’ve discovered I want.)

    • Thank you so much for your kind words HIS!!! And yes! Peace of mind is definitely on the short-list of wants.

      I am still coming to terms with the slowness of the process. And have slipped into the ‘have faith it’ll work’ mode.

      Here’s to both of us continuing down the path of ‘The Right Direction” towards sanity! :)

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