‘They’ Always Blame The Mother
21 February 2013 § 3 Comments
Okay, so today was session #9 with Dr. L. And as most movies jest, it was spent talking about my childhood and my relationship with my mother. Several times I tried to steer it back to what I wanted to talk about, ways to help my relationship with my Husband.
But Dr. L kept saying, “But what about how your mother treated you at age x?” Or “What was your relationship like with your mother around age y?”
This was the first time I had kinda felt like saying, “Sheesh, what about what I want to talk about. When do I get to control the conversation?” And that there my friends is the first epiphany…well, hours later.
What do I want? I didn’t say it. I didn’t verbalize it. I open my freaking mouth about everything under the sun. For instance; The level customer service I receive. I like this food or this product. How come the trash is there? Why are there dishes still in the sink? Why am I so crazy???
But yet I have a hard time vocalizing what I want in terms of things that matter. Like; What do I hope to get out of therapy? What do I want for my marriage? How can I be a better wife? How can I be a better person?
So I sat there. Recounted stories about how my brother chased me down the hallway of our childhood home with a sword. And how as a little girl my favorite thing to do with my mom was get a dipped ice cream cone from Dairy Queen and go through the car wash.
There were also the other stories. How when I was a toddler, she left me with my Great-Grandmother to travel parts of Europe. How my mother would minimize my father, after they’ve had a fight, and say, “Don’t marry someone like him.” My times I heard, “I didn’t raise you to be someone’s servant. You should want more our of life.”
“You should want more out of life.” But what all of those women didn’t say, which they should have, is specifically what more we should want.
I am a 40 year old woman. Sure, I know how to be independent. And yeah, I supported myself for a while there and had a high powered job. But I am broken. I don’t know how to properly show affection to or support my husband. Btw, holding hands and sex doesn’t count; it’s nice, but not quite support.
In all of those years of wanting more, I should have been learning more. Another self (Husband induced) epiphany; passive vs. active.
I have been trained to be a very good narcissistic, head strong and detached woman who good things happen to. Passive.
Instead of a confident, spirited and kindhearted woman who seeks good things in her life. Active.
I’m still trying to make my way and unlearn all of the negative behavior, which has made me so unhappy for the last 25+ years. And be the person I am meant to be. Hopefully I can beat some of the narcissism, the dissociative disorder and the severe depression.
Since I’m refusing to take anti-depressants, because of the ease of slipping into a dissociative frame of mind, the process is slow going. For me, there is no magic pill/bullet.
Thankfully I have a loving Husband who understands, gets me to take my vitamins every day (the Ds & Bs help) and gets me moving/walking/out in the world. Through working diligently to make good choices, I hope and pray that I don’t revert back to old, bad behavior – screwing things up for good.