Raining on the Inside

So you know that song, I’m Only Happy When it Rains?  That’s so totally me.  To a tee, when it comes to the weather.

The moment the dark clouds roll in, the skies open up and the rain falls, a slow smile creeps across my face.  Seriously.

There is something so comforting about the sound of rain hitting the pavement, or the rooftops.  I notice it dampens the noise of the world, much like snow.  Things seem quieter.  People scurry indoors, emptying the sidewalks.

Maybe I adore rain because I grew up on the east side of an island, where it rained a lot.

Maybe I adore rain because it reminds me of a scene in a favorite musical.

Maybe I adore rain because it reminds me of that year I studied in London.

Or maybe I adore the rain because it’s an outward representation of how I’m feeling on the inside.
That’s such a thing here, trying hard not to make others feel uncomfortable.  What happens in the process is you turn yourself inside out, pretending to be plastic for people who don’t really matter.Most of the time I am just a few moments away from sobbing.  But I reign it in and cry on the inside.  I’ve always been like that.  It comes from years of being told not to be a crybaby.  To just suck it up.  People really don’t want to know how horrible you think you have it.

The last few months have been pretty awesome in that I am finally learning to express what I’m feeling, in a healthy way, rather than repress those emotions.  Being honest for a change.  Not masking.  Not hiding.

While some days it’s easy to just be me, other days it’s a challenge.  But that’s where the work is…right?